sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
