Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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