i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
