I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
