Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
