Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
