just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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