well I can't set my house on fire every night
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
