I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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