when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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