My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
