apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
