I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
