If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
