You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
