Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
