yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
