yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
