I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
