Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I party with great urgency now.
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