i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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