Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
