When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
