My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
