Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
