I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
