I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
