So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
