Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
