Im at strip club and am horny
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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