The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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