I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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