totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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