I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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