What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
worst night to have a conscience
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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