so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Even my vagina gasped.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
