I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
