if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
