Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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