one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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