apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
