god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
