Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
even my farts smell like vagina
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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