Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
