Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
