Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
