I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
