I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
