I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
