His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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