I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
